| youuuuuuu |
[13 Mar 2005|10:12pm] |
i just wanna say one thing..
.....NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN US FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I AM TOTALLY ENJOYING THE HELL OUT OF EVERY MINUTE YOU ARE A PART OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
you know who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love SNIB
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| fuck my goddam chest |
[01 Mar 2005|09:33pm] |
...im just gonna write untill the only girl thats meant to read this actually reads it, realizes its about her... gets my number.. calls me right away... and we live happily ever after..
...you have that thing. I dont know what the hell it is, but i can feel it.. ive known you now for a little while... you probably know how i feel about you.. or you may be slightly confused... i cant say i blame you...
...some of the things you do make me soo fucking angry that i get into my car and scream at the top of my lungs.. i swear i actually do that sometimes... some of the things you do make me weak in so many ways..
...you know that thing where sometimes people will be all like.. "you know exactly what to say" or like "you know how to say the right thing at the right time".... well i figure thats really gotta be true of every single person on earth... except maybe osama.. all that really matters is who's listening...
...lets seee.... i dont really know if i can publicly describe you yet.. i dont wanna give anything away...
...all im telling you is that.. if your out there.. and you know this is about you...
.... i dont want you to look anymore... im right here.. right now... i promise ill give you anything and give up everything for you... why? cause i know youll do the same, and i know that your love is worth anything..
...im pretty sure you know me... youve probably heard just about all the negatives you can handle... but i just want to say one thing... those are only the negatives...
...ill wait forever.. just tell me when your ready... ill wait.
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| no more |
[27 Feb 2005|10:10pm] |
at the top of my lungs i can only scream "no more." there is nothing left of me or whoever it is i used to be.
for those of you who know me, you know that it is only upon a special occasion that i shift from whatever wretched shape i was pretending to be, and open myself up so that i may change... hopefully for the better.
you are a liar... liars burn in hell and loneliness forever..
some of you are going to laugh at this admission: i have seen my share of females in my day...
...but only one has the exquisite pleasure of dealing back to me all the horrible things i have done to too many undersiving and innocent people so far in my young life...
...at the top of my lungs as i drive from your house to the freeway, i can only scream "no more." look what you have done.. there is nothing left of me or whoever it is i used to be.
...i swear i was good this time... this time i took alllll the essential precautions... but i just wansnt good enough for ya huh?
... i guess that just goes to show
...REPUTATIONS DO NOT FALL OUT OF THE SKY... THEY ARE EARNED... RUMORS DO NOT INVENT THEMSELVES... THEY ARE DESERVED...
...burn in hell and in loneliness, lord knows i will
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| im fucked |
[15 Nov 2004|05:19pm] |
...this message is for you and only you, you know who you are...
i almost didnt want to write this and it is only with my body shaking, my hands trembling and my mind spinning that i am allowing my self to do it anyways. I didnt think i would be here... theres not really any way to say this with soundind stupid but here it goes.
....im not the same. i miss this way i was and i miss who i was when i was with you. when we'd fight you used to talk about me never being wrong and how i would never admit it.
....i was wrong. i fucked up. i am miserable with out you and im sorry. i feel like fucking nothing. im not perfect and you deserve someone who is, but i cant help not wishing i had you. everytime i think about things we said we do in the future, my heart races with anger and jealousy because i know youll be there with someone else.
...i remember we said once how no matter what we would end up together. id bump into you on the street somewhere when we are both someone else. i want that now. i need that... because i cant. i cant fuckin look at anywhere in my room without seeing you there.
...you hate me. i hate me. i hope you dont ever forgive me because i need to learn my lesson. i just hope where ever you are that you know the truth. im so sorry. i miss you.
fuck my head.
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| ... |
[12 Jul 2004|12:20am] |
...and then one day, the clouds opened and He said, "my child, life shall not be easy." decisions. a weight incapable of weighing here on earth beats on my rib cage and bears such heavy burden that i can no longer think straight. i hate this. I will remember nights like these for years after both you and i are gone from this world, and the light from your face in my memories will guide me through the darkness of the afterlife back to you. racing thoughts go hand in hand with racing heartbeats, single breaths roll out of my lungs and shake my chest like thunder. the frustration is more than i can bare. i want to shout it from the top of the highest mountain, so that all of the world can hear and know you are mine.. but even then, for all the people on earth to know is not good enough for me... all i have is this body, and i will have to scream it loud enough so that all in the heavens and in hell will know that sometimes, when you least expect it.. miracles happen...
...what am i saying, fuck i hate this. i hate that you are so like me that you know everything i am going to say the moment be fore i say it, i hate that you see through me to whatever lingers in my soul and are not disgusted. I hate that you dont care about the mistakes ive made, or my past. I hate that i cannot escape your face burned into the insides of my eyelids and that every time i blink i am reminded of the truth.
...Something as real as the strings on my guitar, which vibrate at the same pitch as your life...
...close your eyes, ill close mine...
breathe...
touch my hand...
... in the blackest of nights or all the darkest places one could ever imagine, i swear by the life beating in my chest... ill know its you.
...if tomorrow i were gone, for life, inconstant as the moon, can change at any moment, of any day, remember these nights... these nights where the meaning of life is very clearly understood right down to the atoms of matter from which we were created... remember..
...i love you
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[27 Apr 2004|03:42pm] |
... this seemingly un-amendable sadness that lingers still in my heart clouds my vision... the weight of the burden upon my back soo immense that it must be the exact opposite of the phrase "im alright." I cant breathe anymore because now, to me the feeling of respiration is related to pain. Sleep is a child hood memory, a mere hobby ive given up long ago... When the burning of emptyness in your chest grows soo intense that your knees buckle...
... you must be in love... love.. by far the silliest and yet most enchanting of all human emotions. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. the most interesting paradox i have ever come across because were all stuck in between what is and what will never be. Love. There are almost* three types of people in this world. IF you are in the first group (more than you think), you will never know these feelings described early enough to do anything about it. damn.. i dont know weather to thank god for you, or cry. The second group are the people that have loved and lost. They know these feelings well and will normally forever be apprehensive to let happiness back in. The third group is the group i envy the most because i know i will never be part of it. They are the people who fall in love when everything is right, and love un-jadedly untill they die. now the question is not only what group we each belong to.. the question is about what it all comes down to minutes before you die. Will the ones who never love know the beauty they had missed, and are they happier not knowing it for fear of whatever? Do the people in the group that lose their love become wickid, cold, and die alone? Will the people who had one love subconciously question what wouldve happened if they spoke to that one* guy or girl they never did?
...the way i see it, you just cant pass things by. more oppertunities than any one person alone could possibly fathom gently tease us, and then leave us every single day. for example, today walking after school, one of the most beautifully intriguing girls i have ever seen looked into my eyes and i looked into hers as i passed. some how i felt things about her, i saw her personality, her thoughts, her past... what if... but then again no. no no cant possibly act on feelings because its too risky.
...and by they way, something i cant get over lately are the flowers that actually do bloom in spring.. like i guess i knew that flowers bloom in spring, but ive never really understood what that means. take a look around, its fuckin nuts. like there are wars going on all around us, every single day, on a global, social, and personal level. even the flowers fight wars to sustain existance.. they bloom in spring because thats when the live longest, and they fight the weather that comes with the next season. absoletly crazy.
... anyways... i dont know why i sit down and write this. i dont understand why i feel the way that i do. i dont understand the significance of a hesitantly inviting stare from a strangers eyes. i dont understand why i am cursed with this obsession, hate, and passion for love...
...take down your walls, you wouldnt believe the sights your missing.
see ya
PS im in no mood for persecution so if you dont have any life, or anything nice to say, please dont ruin this for me. and if you dooooo just feel your fingers iching to get on live journal and insult me anonymously (which allllllllways seems to happen) ... burn in hell
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| blah |
[05 Apr 2004|11:03pm] |
.... all i can say right now is that i reallllly wanna write a girp like i always do... but i dont have to anymore cause i found a way to express everything i feel in one sentence.
.... right now i feel like a temporary high...
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| ...and i was like... |
[24 Mar 2004|09:12pm] |
....holy shit ass, i cant believe im writing in this again. Im just seriously sooooo fuckin pissed at shit right about now that i gots to put it down. K so i get in these fuckin WORLD WAR III's with my parents all the time now because we both think the other one is wierd and its all fucked up. but im not really pissed at that because thats life and thats what happens when you grow up.. you have to deal with shit. K no the reason im writing this is because im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused.... AGAIN.. with things in my love life.
....here a little story -
....... so there is this girl and there is this boy. This boy's been through some wierd ass shit and a lotta people think a lot of wierd ass shit about him... no doubt most things are true... but then, just maybe every once in a while something happens, and its wayy to big to ignore... sooooo this boy thinks about this girl soooo much and its really tough for him not to speed to her house and tell her everything he feels for her... butttt he cant do that, because even though he's pretty sure this girl just might feel the same, hes been hurt more than a few times and its a little wierd for him to trust what he hears from people anymore... not to mention, hes trippin because he cant even remember the last time he fell this hard, and he cant remember the last time he actually thought things through and took it slow, and he cant remember the last time he actually believed something so beautiful could work right, and he cant remember the last time he had a girl to think about that didnt hurt him to think about...
.... but this is the el problemo... i, err i mean this dude dosent wanna scare her away. cause he dosent know what she wants... but he know he deffentaly wants her more than anything, but he wants her like for reals, he wants a relationship and love one day and someone to be there, and he wants it to be her.
... BUT THENNNNNN... what happens if she dosent want the boy the same way... see theres a problem of time... because every day the boy stays with her and sees her and talks to her and laughs with her, hes gonna like her more and more... butttttt IF the girl is not goin towards the same direction, thennnnnnn he cant sit and wait to get hurt... like hes been hurt many times before....
....FUCK, this boys in some shit
annnyyyywwayyysss... thank god hes just a boy... not like its me or anything.
peace
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| bluuuaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh |
[04 Dec 2003|09:09pm] |
by know i know you know how i feel about you... sometimes i almost kinda maybe know how you feel about me, but only when were alone together...
...see guys and everyone reading this: i got this problem, theres a girl. and i think about her all day long becuase theres isnt another thought in my head to think about that would i love to think about more... i wonder if she thinks about me too.. my ears ring alot during the day... but i do play my guitar really loud... so i cant be too sure.. and the thing is, i cant explain to you what we are like when we are together, i love hearing her talk about her life even when things arent going too well and they start to rub off onto me, i love the strange incite she offers to my life cause were a little different, and i cant sleep if we hadn't said goodnight..
...here is my problem: weve never been anywhere in front of people that we know... and this scares me out of my fucking mind.
...see she dosent know how it feels when someone you care so much about and someone that you are amazing with and someone that inspires a feeling in you that beats the hell out of you untill you have to call her to hear her voice... she dosent know how it feels to have someone like that and then to painfully remember that youre "just friends."
...the two most terrible words ever written in the same sentence..
...i cant stand this because im not a superhero perfect guy and i do have some insecurities, if things were different this obviously wouldnt bother me.. and if all you reading this are thinking "wait why do you care what they think anyways?" my answer is simple.. because ive been badly badly hurt by shit like this before, and that scar that sliced my heart with a dull knife still bleeds every now and then.. see i have to remember that she wont be "her" anymore once "they're" around.. shell be "her in front of them" i hate this thought more than i hate getting my ass kicked by porn stars at the gym...
...im a guy and i know how we work, and i dont think many people that know her know that i exist, and this makes me sad... really.
...all i know is that "they" dont know how or who she is when shes with me.. whens she's a little off guard and she takes a baby step out from the wall she lives behind.. its increadible.. and our kisses are totally addicting.
..ill miss that one day.
...my exact question is this... WILL SHE KISS ME IN PUBLIC? .. or am i not good enough for that...
...this is all only in my mind..for now...
...if shes reading this i only want to ask her not to hurt me like this... cause is it really worth the consequences? i dont wanna lose you.
peace
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| ...uh oh |
[23 Nov 2003|09:13pm] |
...i didnt ask for this. i dont understand whyyy this keeps happening.
all i know is that i thought you loved being with me... and i have no idea whats inside your head.
if this had happened 1 month and 3 weeks ago i would have been fine.. but now you have me thinking about you every second im awake. sleeping would have been my only escape from you except i dream about you all the time.
i know you say these things back to me sometimes.. but jesus christ do you really mean them?
fuck i wish i knew.. or didnt know.. i bet i wouldnt like the answer very much. what scares me is that i know this in my head to be true.. but my heart wont believe it.. cause i cant believe that all the time we spend together can be ignored. if had had a fraction of a penny for everytime making you smile made my day, we'd both be in a mansion on a beautiful beach in italy... but why do i do this kind of shit..
...i know that the longer i stay, the harder i fall.. the harder i fall the longer it takes to get up again...
...blessed with a curse... again... i could go into the way i feel when your not around and the thoughts of you have grown to intense for my head to stand... haha my favorite.. the pain in my chest, i love that feeling when the muscles in my body sting and my heart feels like its been plunged into an ice chest...
... you know what that is?... thats reality..
...i swear i heard you cry once or twice at the thought of losing me, losing this.. or that could have been where the line of destinction between dreams and reality is slightly blurred.. omg i never thought i would see the day that you cry for me..
...my punishment and my passion, my blessing and curse... you are 9/10'ths of the reason i am breathing, but every breath i take is killing me..
i think what hurts the most is that for some reason i feel like you feel the same way... only not about me.. ha! fun. this shit is all to familiar to me. i hope im wrong.
...holy shit i love being with you. i dont know what it is in the way you kiss me, or laugh at most insane things that only i would say in front of you because im a nut.
seriously, i dont wanna lose you. i like to tell myself that i dont believe people when they say that nothing is perfect.. except theyre right..
...but if this isnt perfect, its gotta be damn near close weather you want to let that wall down to believe it or not..
...see you have to remember that i dont care what you look like when your with me, i dont care that you do things i dont, or that people that love you hate me, and i dont even care that you think you can kick my ass... i dont care about these things because the only thing i care about is you, and being with you, and making your life seem balanced for a day...
...haha shit here i go again turning my life into a movie.. except in movies things work out..
maybe its that were just a little too lazy.. i think sometimes we forget how much we love being with eachother, which is sad because what if we reaaaly dont remember it when were not... what if we lose something beautiful cause we give up to easily... that cant happen.
because if i lose you now, again, im worried this feeling wont go away to quickly... maybe you thought that too when you cried..
well great! now look what youve done... you brought me back here to pour my life onto a machine that wont laugh at how i feel... did you know i dont like doing this?? this is bad news for logan, its a curse..
...but its all good cause youre my blesing.
..one day think about me
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| alright lets see whats gonna come out now |
[30 Sep 2003|09:22pm] |
...its been a week i think since my last post... i dont know what happened. good or bad? basically i dont really care, but whatever it was, i think its over and im ready to return to the little box locked in the bottom of my heart and see whats gonna jump out tonight... ill just start this little motor on my fingers and heeere we go...
...feels like forever has vanished in an instant...
...tonight i read something that i shouldnt have, something that has given me everything just a little to late... all and everything i wanted to know forever ago has just finally found me, passed through my eyes, hitting my heart first and then (thankfully) my brain (to supress the feelings yet again) and then right out into a part of me that i had trown out already. fuck.
...as i read the words, i read them in your voice, i saw your eyes, heard your chest expand as your frusteration grows inside the part of you that youve thrown out too... suddenly ive been ripped backwards by a freezing hand with sharp, cold fingers through my chest... uh oh.. i feel again. fuck.
...so this is where youve been? this is why all the pain and problems? i almost see now... except for that HUGE FUCKING BRICK WALL YOUVE BUILT AROUND YOURSELF...
...dont flatter yourself by the way, all youll have is a guess...
...so anyways, i can see now how you are the way you are, and it makes sense too...
...this may scare you... your just like me, except for the way i show and you show different.. we feel the same... just not about eachother.
...i respect what happened now a lot more, ive probably felt like that a thousand times... i shouldnt have interefered...
... but, isnt it wierd that i swear to my god that i said some of those exact things to you. fuck.
... SO WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH THIS GOD DAMN REJECTION / TEEN LOVE / END OF THE WORLD BULL SHIT AT 16?
...heres how i feel.. people who dont believe love is real are fake... people who dont think life will get better are wrong... people who dont believe in miracles are lost... people who believe in suicide are already dead...
...and people who dont believe... will never live.
... i dont remember the last time my heart pounded with such intensity, freedom. whata rush.
DREAMS AND REALITY -
... i recently heard a great man speak. when he spoke, the room shook, he spoke to everyone at every age, the fire in his eyes and voice ripped through each and every person in the room... and he spoke of dreams and reality...
... friends - the dream
... lonliness - the reality
... love - the dream
... loss - the reality
... life - the dream
... death - the reality
...not meant to remove hope, but to give hope in a way soo rarely given.
live is series of realizations. realizations of the dreams and realities that make us who we are. with every dream comes the reality. things will be better. miracles can happen.
....so i sit in the little box wondering why i was chosen.. blessed with the beautiful curse as i say... but along with the curse comes the blessing.. along with the reality comes the dream... i know your our there. one day youll see whoever you are..... whoever i am. whatever i am.. im me.
...i can feel life just barely outside my reach, but when the time is right, i will grow. i will reach. you all will too. someday.
...when i leave this earth and take my place among the stars, i hope to be the brightest star in the sky, so that i may shine with all i had inside when i lived and maybe... just maybe be the star that sparks a flame inside someone just like i was and gives them faith in a higher power...
...i met a 37 year old man with a family... a beautiful life.... and cancer.. the doctors told him he had only weeks to live yet the man never broke. i went to him and i said.. "what is it that you pray for now that your life has been taken... where does your faith lie." he turned to me with a straight face and said "Logan, i will pray untill he takes me. I DO NOT PRAY FOR HEALTH. instead i pray that with the time i have left, i live a meaningful life and leave a beautiful legacy so that my children may remember me when i die."
... a few days ago... that man, a dear friend of mine... left. he was taken by his god to his place among the stars... he will be missed.. and i can proudly say that his dream became a reality. he has left a legacy that will inspire me untill the day i am taken. god bless.
...you all think you have it bad... try looking into your family's eyes for the last time... take a lesson from this.. i will.
...please stop the hatred. i have no more to give.
...to my someone - im still looking,, dont give up yet.
peace.
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| ehhh |
[22 Sep 2003|04:06pm] |
...i kinda feel like ive been blessed with a beautiful curse, or sentenced to a life term bound in a cell enclosed by bars that i create with my mind, yet i cannot destroy them... im waiting for the miracle in whatever shape or sign it comes in to release me... i thought i was free from the chains composed of thoughts and emotions that i used to feel heavily across my chest... but what if they havent gone... maybe they've become a part of me...
...this happens in life with humans, it is in many ways a defensive reaction the pain of losing something or someone... denial? maybe, except i dont deny the fact that i have lost her/you... or what if i just tell myself that...
...so heres how it goes... its kinda wierd because sometimes the same way you get used to having something or someone in your life, you dont get used to not having something or someone in your life... instead you get used to emotion instead of the fact.. for example: i lose someone, i feel pain... but i dont get used to them not being here, i get used to the pain, and then the pain becomes a part of me.... thats just an example, but it does happen in human nature..
...so one is left with a life in which the line between dream and reality, the sub-concious and the concious, the way you percieve the truth and the actual truth, ... is slightly blurred, or distorted and has many breaks...
...i saw you avert your eyes as you walked by, funny cause i did the same........ and even funnier.. if both you and i averted our eyes when we saw eachother...
...how is it that i know you were looking at me, and you know i was looking at you?... wierd huh? make you think a little? makes me wonder...
haha, im fine though guys...
peace.
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| hmmm..... |
[19 Sep 2003|06:40pm] |
... a free mind is a beautiful thing, but it is nothing without a free heart...
i guess what i mean is that no matter what or where your mind is, there are places in your heart that will never let you be totally free... theres still a feeling, very small and incignificant if any, but still a feeling everytime i hear her name or see her... maybe thats a good thing, shes left quite an impression on me that im sure will leave me changed for the rest of my life... but maybe thats a good thing to... maybe now im not so careless with those that care about me, and maybe ill be more careful next time i care...
...today it is better now...
from somewhere in me has come a vibrant breath of new life that actually makes me happy... im done now... i fought through the phases in my head where at each level when i gave parts of her away, i regained parts of myself... i can breath and even better than that: the writer's block that was constricting my mind in midst of my confusion has left, and i can play, write and sing again... i can breath now...
...did everyone enjoy the ride?... cause believe it or not, i did...
it wasnt the first and it wont be the last
an amazing 30 days that went by so fast
through the good times and bad and all that has passed
my heart, my mind, im free at last
peace.
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| stuffffffffffff |
[17 Sep 2003|04:51pm] |
as my fingers punch away at these keys, the sound of their dull tapping echoes through my head... today was almost better though...
things were ok when i woke, except you were the first thing on my mind again... today was almost better though...
just before 10:00 a thought struck me that hasnt left my head all day... today was almost better though...
...from this thought, i have predicted that Sautrday October 11, will be the single most disturbing night i will ever go through... i imagine it being a landslide of every thought left spinning in my head since i lost her...
...today was almost better though...
... see, im quite fine actually, things are going ok for the most part, this is just a phase.. and thats what ill tell myself; just empty words that need to be released and ill be fine right after that...
...every corner i turn or hall i walk down or street i drive down, i do with a crazy/beautiful and childish feeling of anticipation... eagerly waiting and wondering if just around the next corner lies the answer to these problems... i keep thinking that someone up there^ looking down on me will decide that soon i will find her...
...its ok though, cause it dosent hurt sometimes!!
...it hurts all the time...
...haha wow as i read back on the things ive written in my little LJ world, the things most people would never know or tell by looking at me, i cant help wonder if shes read it - the one i wrote about yesterday... i dont think i know who it is or could be, but if all i have is the hopless dream that she has... thats all i need to stop the pain for just a hearbeat or two... which is a sign that today was almost better.
...if i hear you voice it stay in my head for a couple weeks... if i see you i might shut my eyes and turn away... ....... but for the chance to feel you past all looks or words, oh my god...
...if i were the sun... id give up my light...
...Shakespeare:
-"ay me, sad hours seem long"
-"what sadness lengthen's Romeo's hours?"
-"that which having makes them short."
..... fucking look at that!! beautiful!! It is increadible because it seems that there are only two things that will not ever be forgotten in time...
...love and pain...
...is she out there? how will i know.. when will i know..
...ya know something scarey? Romeo had fallen in love with Juliet within minutes after seeing here... without knowing anything...not caring about anything... both so cought in the feeling - the rush of blood through veins, the pounding heart, and those little fuckin butterfly's in your stomach that go friggin crazy until the first word is spoken.. that is beautiful... holy fuckin shit!! ahhh! cause i feel like ive done that!... maybe someday well all know that feeling...
...compelete and beautiful insanity...
...ill find you someday... i miss you even though you havent had a chance to go.. i promise you the world...
...the rarest of all human emotions ever to fuck with one's head - true love.
..oh yeah, today was almost better though.
peace.
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| thoughts.. |
[16 Sep 2003|09:29pm] |
not much to say... if i see you will there be words? i guess not, but thats just my guess : prove me wrong. One day i will find you again and i know that somewhere you are looking for me too. When i find you someday i promise to be different; to be me.. a better me, one ive always wanted to be. I could give you the world if you give me a chance... circumstances fucked us over: but circumstances are temporary. I guess im not ready to find you yet.. but i will be someday...
...nights now spent trying to remember and forget at the same time... like running at a dead stop... this cant be right.
...i barely know you. You showed me so little and i gave myself away. I will find you someday...
it may be too late for me tonight
as i hold my pillow tight
cause i am stuck in the sounds of us
and i cant escape
is this wrong could you be right
theres no chance cause well always fight
but your not stuck in the sounds of laughter
that ill never hear again.
...you have no name i can call you by, yet i feel your soo close. I can feel it in between the beats of my heart where the little scars from so long ago still hint of their being... i know that you will change all of this when i find you someday...
...will these words fall upon deaf ears, or be read by blind eyes?...
... i used to dream of a girl that would take me away from this... from the subconcious thoughts that attack bored and wandering minds... i must have had thousands with this one girl.. of couse the twist of fate was that i could never see her face...
... i swear to my existance it was you...
... still i have no security, or reason to believe... the ice has cut my chest soo many times that i am groing dull. After all thats happened, i dont exactly race to invite happiness i anymore, for fear of loosing it..
... so i wonder again... IS THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID THE PAIN OF THE END TO AVOID THE HAPPINESS OF THE BEGINNING?
...i know there must be something there, you couldnt have, you just couldnt have been like that to me... i saw it sometimes..
... i can feel your eyes gaze regretingly into his; his being your next toy; and i know you wont feel it... not like you did with me... theres no way.. i can actually see pictures of the future mixed with reruns from my mind of you pretending with him...
... i know your out there... i will find you someday... i will have a name for you that will sound as beautiful to my ears as the way you will make my heart beat only for you while yours beats only for me...
... will these words fall on deaf ears, or be read by blind eyes?
peace
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| Ahhh brain!!!!! |
[15 Sep 2003|03:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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holy god i feel like such shit right now... like the worst ever.. so many issues in my life went real fuckin sour in the last 24 hours. omg. like i dont even know what to do about the way things are going right now. I HATE BEING THE OLDEST IN MY FAMILY. i take all the shit for stupid things.. and then i get this really wierd feeling of distrust. This fucked up pain in my chest is back again. i dont know why. every day im reminded of something that i miss. i cant get rid of the memories no matter how hard i try, so i turn to god for help.. and he and i are pretty close so he normally has my back, but i gotta bad feeling he wont be there for me this time. im so fucking sick of shit. im sure i could sit and type the world about the pain... and whats worse is that every time i write i feel better and worse at the same time.. like my heart has stopped yet it beats soo fast... sick and increadible at the same time... SO I WONDER : when the pain is gone, will i miss that too? will i eventually grow so used to whatever the hell feeling causes this in my chest that i will actually miss is when its gone? EWWWW gross i hope not, because if thats true than what satisfaction can any one person have in an inconstant life.. inconstant love... THE SAD TRUTH is that everything will end sooner or later. it just must.. so is the only way to avoid the pain of the end to avoid the joy and happiness of the beginning??? ............. scary huh? but most of you may not be like me and consider yourself blessed.
......i guess maybe ive just watched ROMEO AND JULIET one to many times.
...theres gotta be something better out there right?
... or what if there isnt.
peace.
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| eww.... fuck.... ouch |
[13 Sep 2003|03:05pm] |
fuck today... except for one thing.. today i was in class talking with a good friend of mine, and i decided that today i would take a vow of celery.. haha or celibacy? or both! its where i cant do anything.. no pleasures.. no drinking, no drugs, no sex, no self-pleasing.... basically no satisfying desires. most people said i wouldnt go more than 2 nights... but i know ill go for at least three.. haha jk.. no my plan is for ONE COMPLETE MONTH FROM TODAY: SEPTEMBER 12, 2003........ of course there are exceptions to the rule sora... 1. if i meet a girl that i truly believe things will be more than a "hook up" and i know i wont be hurt... 2. it is ok to break this vow if any sort of past relationship or little thingys in the last 3 years decide to spark up again... and 3. whatever.. i guess i dont need a three.. these are fine enough.... k sooo anyways, other subjects : ......... my life????........... yah i think im almost there...........................
.......oh yeah.. fuck the pain.. shes not real.. shes not real.. shes not real.. shes not real.. shes not real.. shes not real.. shes not real..
... i think befor i die i wanna invent a "magic-rub" eraser for your heart...
wish me luck!!!!!................ im sure yall know ill need it.
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| Cheese Sandwiches |
[12 Sep 2003|11:40pm] |
..... so i was like bomb happy earlier. im kinda chill now, Tigger is sleping over so we should be doing homework right now and were not.... dude all i gots to say is fucking tomorrow Friday, September 12... fuckin pep rally.. soo stoked (kinda wierd) wait till everyone sees this poster The Rainbows made... i know some kids in BOWS and they were all like : yah dog its tight and stuff...... i cant wait to see it. keep your eyes open. we got some "awake pills" to pop in the morning so we can stay up late tonight. fuck shit up.
............ "fuck a cheese sandwich, faggot." - Fabio, Co-Founder Rainbow.
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| WIERD.. HAPPY?? |
[12 Sep 2003|08:37pm] |
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yahhhh hey kinda.. something very very wierd is happend to my body right now.... im actually happy,,, like for the first time in a long time im genuinly pleased with my life right now!! just had a kick ass band practice for my new band "Last Time Leaving" SHOW NEXT SATURDAY 20 COBALT CAFE 9:00....... every body better be there and shit........ im gonna go.. fuck sit up.. kill stuff.. peace
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| can you die from being tired?!??? |
[09 Sep 2003|09:14pm] |
im starting to feel a little wierd as read more and more people's LJ's. i dont really see a lot of people actuallyy writing things, i just see a lot of convos about random shit, its kinda like group e-mailing with pictures. its wierd cause i actually use it like a journal and i figured out that i do this because im way to lazy to write a real one, or because id feel gay writing "dear diary" in a little blue notebook. im beyond tired-
colors mesh, vision blurs, cant think straight, rooms spin, eyes water, knees grow week, head throbs, muscles ache, chest hurts...........
HEY WHAT HE FUCK???.......... isnt that kinda what its like to be in love???
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h8_if_you_want2's journal